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Things I Don’t Do: Feathers in My Hair

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011
By Glinda

I think that even if I was young enough to wear feathers in my hair, I still wouldn’t.

And to be honest, there are truly few beauty trends that I feel are for young ‘uns only, but hair feathers definitely fall into that camp.

Or maybe it’s because every single time I see the “new” incarnation, I automatically think of these:

Yup. If you don’t know what the above item is called, then I pronounce you young enough to wear feather extensions.


Things I Don’t Do: Cat Eyes

Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
By Glinda

For the sake of this post, we’re going to go with “cat eye” makeup being any look in which the eyeliner on the upper lid extends past the lid. 

Some people, they’ve got the dramatic life in which to carry this look off. 

Me? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got drama.  It’s just the kind that doesn’t require me to look glamorous.

Even when I was young and fancy-free, I didn’t really use this look much.  I’m more of a natural California-type girl when it comes to makeup.  Which sort of makes sense, as I am a native Californian.  I’m more prone to do a really dramatic lip color than a really dramatic eye.

You’ve really got to have a steady hand in which to execute this look, and I’ve already stated that liquid liner and I don’t really get along.

But yet, I can certainly appreciate the artistry that goes into this look.  When done well, I think it is stunning.


Things I Don’t Do: M.A.C.

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
By Glinda

I remember when M.A.C (short for Makeup Art Cosmetics) first came out. It was sometime in the early nineties and I was in my early twenties.  The biggest thing that stands out in my mind was the very large difference between the typical M.A.C salesperson and say, the Estee Lauder salesperson.  Where the Estee Lauder lady was a vision of elegance and refinement, the M.A.C salesperson most likely had a green mohawk and multiple piercings.

Despite the fact that I usually have no problem with the unorthodox (hell, in 1987 my hair looked a lot like this [link fixed now!]) I never managed to partake in the M.A.C craze.  Maybe it’s because they are from Canada.  I”m so totally kidding, Canadiens, you know I love you. 

Anyhoo, despite proclaiming myself to be a beauty junkie, I have never ever purchased anything from M.A.C.

It seems at this point, I am just doing it for the sheer orneriness of it.  I’ve gone twenty years or so without M.A.C, so why start now?  The more slavish the praise, the more I think that people are just drinking an awful lot of Kool-aid.

I’m sure I’m wrong.

Right?

Is there any famous brand you’ve managed to so far avoid for no good reason?


Things I Don’t Do: Teeth Whitening

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011
By Glinda

Good lord, I just don’t have enough hours in the day.

I already have a hard enough time keeping my feet and hands properly moisturized, much less making sure my teeth are an “acceptable” pearly white. Because the whitening industry would have you believe that anything less than that is just gross.

I don’t even use a whitening toothpaste.  The horror!  I do use a SonicCare toothbrush, which makes me feel a bit better about it, though.

During the run-up to my nuptials, I admit to using Crest Whitestrips for about a month.  I was concerned that my teeth might look bad in the photos when compared to my dress, and I was afraid that for all eternity, there would be photographic proof that I had horrible yellow teeth.

Of course, I didn’t really think I had horrible yellow teeth, I was just concerned in general that I needed to look good for my wedding photos, because I was only going to get one shot at them.  And I was paying enough money that those suckers were going to turn out perfect if it killed me.

Whitening strips aren’t the only way of getting whiter teeth, there are a number of different ways, most of them expensive.

I know that you can use baking soda, but it isn’t recommended as a long-term solution, as it can wear away your enamel.  You can also use hydrogen peroxide, but I’m always afraid I’m going to swallow it, and it’s one of those things that the more I think about NOT swallowing it, the more I feel like I’m going to. 

Yes, I might need to speak to a professional about that.

Mabye in a few years when my toddler isn’t quite so dependent upon me, I can get back to the slog of trying to coax my teeth to their whitest shade, but not right now.

It does sort of make me annoyed that we see celebrities with these perfect white teeth, but the reality is that almost all of them have veneers, which at a minimum of $500 per tooth, is pretty much out of my reach.

Do you whiten your teeth?  Or is a “whitening” toothpaste the farthest you’ll go?


Things I Don’t Do: The Facial Flex

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011
By Glinda

YOU MUST WATCH THIS

Now, it seems this device was originally made for people who needed to regain muscle strength in their faces after a stroke, so don’t think I’m knocking it.

But this particular ad is both mesmerizing and terrifying at the same time.


Things I Don’t Do: A Middle Part

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011
By Glinda

A while ago, I pointed out that it seemed middle parts were making a comeback as seen on the runways at New York Fashion Week.  And indeed, along with the resurgence in 70’s influenced style, the middle part has found its way back onto the heads of women everywhere.

Well, not everywhere.

Because if there is one certainty I have in life, it is that I look horrific with a middle part.

Kudos to you blessed ones that can make it work, but I find that it is so severe looking that it usually makes the wearer look older.   Not having bangs in the first place can be a somewhat severe look as it is, and when you add a middle part, it can be a one way ticket to aged flower child if you aren’t careful.  I’m not saying it can’t look good, I’m just saying it is harder to pull off, especially if your hair is straight, long and one length.

I did sport a middle part back in the day, but that was in the actual 1970’s, and I was probably about eight and had little say about my hair at that time.  Thanks Mom, for the ugly memories! Yes, now I have Brooklyn Decker’s haircut, but one basic difference is that I part mine on the side.  Pssst, Brooklyn, it looks much better that way!

I know the middle part is supposed to go hand in hand with the latest bohemian-inspired looks, but the last time I looked even vaguely bohemian was when I dressed as a gypsy for Halloween in fifth grade.  Bohemian and Glinda don’t go together.  At all. 

Are you for or against middle parts?

P.S. Is it just me or does Fergie actually have some orange in her eyebrows up there?  Please tell me I’m imagining it.  Either way, girlfriend needs to use some different eyebrow powder, methinks.  Unless she is really digging the orange trend and then, uh, good for her?


Things I Don’t Do: Fake Tan

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011
By Glinda

Well, I have in the distant past applied self-tanner, but quickly regretted it.  This was back in the late 80’s when it  became time for prom, and my strapless (Jessica McClintock!) dress was not looking good with the farmer tan I had going.  However, it was not a joke that most of the self-tanners at that time turned you various shades of orange, depending on the brand.  I don’t think I could have been a bigger 80’s cliche, and I’ve got my prom picture as proof.

I think at one point about five years ago, I attempted to use a daily self tanning lotion (like this) to erase some color discrepancy between my legs and my feet, but gave up after about five days.  Which to me, doesn’t count.

I have never, ever placed myself in a tanning booth, and I promise that no matter how ghostly pale I might look, I never will.  It always sounded a bit extreme to me, and it has indeed been found to be hazardous to your health, in more ways than one.

Maybe it’s because I’m outdoors quite a bit.  Maybe it’s because I am blessed with a somewhat olive skin tone that tans in two seconds flat, even when wearing the strongest sunscreen possible.

But after a lifetime of living by the beach and tanning purposefully, I have now decided I don’t really care if I’m tan or not.   If I’ve inadvertently aquired a tan, fine.  If I don’t, that’s OK too.   But I guess I am lucky that I pretty much always have some color, and have what I consider to be a perma-tan from the aforementioned years of serious tanning. 

Do you fake your tan?  Do you even need to fake a tan? Are you a baker or a bottler?


Things I Don’t Do: Airbrushed Makeup

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
By Glinda

Oh that tempting Temptu!

Every time I go to the Sephora website, it is there, lurking in unexpected places.  Then it taunts me with fantastic reviews, people saying that they’ve never looked better!  Their skin is flawless all day long!  My God, why hadn’t they bought this thing sooner?  They didn’t know that life could be so fulfilling until the Temptu came along!

I jest, of course.  But really, I’m not adding all that much hyperbole.  When it works properly, people can’t stop gushing.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Temptu system itself is a whopping $225.00.  Wowza. 

If you broke it down, do I spend at least that much on lipstick every year?  Probably something close.  But my mother would be thrilled to know that there is a frugal pennypincher deep down in my psyche that digs in her heels at paying that much money for one thing that only applies the makeup.   And me? I’m not all that great with machinery.  I’d be afraid I’d break it. 

The makeup itself comes in things called pods, which unfortunately for their marketing department, brings an image of a green vegetable, not space-aged sleekness.  These pods cost anywhere from $55.00 for concealer to $30.00 for the blush.

Now these pods may take months to use up, but when I add up the cost at over $300.00, my mind reels and starts thinking instead about how much I love crisp snow peas. 

I suppose that if I was back in my old job where I was in front of a lot of people on a daily basis, then I would probably consider this system a bit more seriously.  But you, dearest reader, cannot see me (which you should definitely be thankful for at this moment) and so I just cannot justify the cost.  My skin is not in horrible shape, at least not yet, and I think for my lifestyle, my Bare Escentuals gets me through just fine. Although I suppose if I did some quick mental math on my BE and all of my makeup brushes, it might come somewhere close to three hundred bucks.  Still, you won’t see Glinda standing in line for the Temptu any time soon.

Am I alone in this train of thought?  Or would you be willing to spend almost any amount in your quest for perfect looking skin?


Things I Don’t Do: Eyeshadow Primer

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011
By Glinda

I’ve got a thing lately with the word “primer” it seems.

It’s not that I have something against eyeshadow  primers.  Not at all.  Technically, I am for a product that will help other products I own stay on longer and look better.

However, every time I find myself lingering over the most popular eyeshadow primer out there, I am unable to pull the trigger.

I would categorize myself as someone whose lids have a tendency to get slick quick.

And I definitely enjoy my eyeshadow, so what prejudice do I have against the sad, sad eyeshadow primer that I leave forlornly on the shelf every single time?

I think it’s because I am currently not working. Actually I haven’t worked outside the home for almost nine years, but if I am no longer interviewing potential employees or conducting training sessions, who really cares about my eyeshadow staying put for ten hours?

Certainly not my kids, and my husband lacks that fine eye for detail that would notice my shadow growing fainter and fainter by the minute.  I would say at this point in my life, eyeshadow goes on for special events. Going to Target, as exciting as that can be, doesn’t qualify as a special event.  Not yet, anyway.  My time to get out the door is usually pretty limited, and I’m always going to choose foundation, concealer, lipstick, and even mascara over eyeshadow.

So as I’m standing there pondering, my mind always seems to justify the non-purchase of the primer.

Because in my world, if I’ve got the extra money, I can never have too many lipsticks.


Things I Don’t Do: Nail Polish on My Hands

Friday, February 25th, 2011
By Glinda

I simply don’t have the time or the energy to keep up with color on my hands.

I have a toddler, and I think I rival a doctor for the amount of times a day I wash my hands. The wear and tear on my nails and skin is pretty intense, and I have a hard enough time keeping my hands hydrated, much less making sure a manicure looked perfect. I would have to do the whole base coat/top coat thing, and most days I feel lucky I got to take a shower, much less futz around with ten nails and color that is guaranteed to wear off.

Because if there is one thing I hate, and I know it was trendy for a while, it’s chipped color on my nails. Sadly, that trend is no longer. Although supposedly this is a new polish trend, one that I could definitely get behind. Chipped color drives me nuts, and when it happens, I can’t stop looking at it. Not being able to fix it immediately would trigger an OCD reaction, and it would just be more trouble than it was worth.

I’ve never even had a professional manicure, for goodness sakes. I think I am one of the few left in North America. I have the feeling I belong in a museum or something. My placard would read “Manicurus Avoidus, somehow managed to never visit a nail salon in her life, despite there being one on practically every corner in 21st Century America.”

But color on my toes?

Different story entirely.

Maybe because my feet are farther away and I can’t see the chips as well?

Hmmm, interesting…












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